You have an idea of how your life is going to turn out.
When I was a kid, all I did was watch romantic comedies
in our living room while I did my homework.
"I'll have what she's having."
Some coffee or, you know, drinks?
In high school,
Tom Hanks was my first boyfriend.
"For as long as we both shall live."
In college, everything changed.
No supervision, total freedom.
I could watch romantic comedies whenever I wanted to.
"I'm just a girl
"standing in front of a boy
asking him to love her."
And then two years ago,
when I finally became a doctor,
I had no time for any distractions.
You are 8 1/2 months pregnant.
Your husband's gotta keep his schvantz away from you.
Which I can imagine must be difficult
with a wife as beautiful as yours.
She's already pregnant, Dr. Reed.
Idiot.
I am going to put Dr. Castellano in charge.
He's my best resident.
Dr. Castellano.
Daniel Castellano.
I'm the man that's gonna take a person outta you.
I don't take that responsibility lightly, okay?
You're scaring them, Danny.
Sorry. Sorry, ma'am.
Don't be frightened.
And that's when I saw him.
Oh, my God.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry.
- No way. - Thanks.
It's happening.
What?
Um, it's, uh, it's happening.
The doors are closing.
I just love when the elevators start to do their thing.
Oh.
Never thought about that.
I guess I do too.
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
Oh, here, let me help you with that stuff.
- Sorry. - Oh.
Klutzes, party of two.
Seriously.
Met in an elevator.
My hair came undone.
Are you kidding me?
I'm basically Sandra Bullock.
And then it happened.
Did the elevator just stop?
I'm Mindy.
Obstetrics and gynecology.
Tom. Oral surgery.
Can I get you an orange?
We were stuck in the elevator for 20 minutes...
I have a sandwich here.
And I moved into his apartment two months later.
What does this have to do
with the circumstances of your arrest?
I am getting to that.
Tom got married last night to someone else.
Three months ago,
he met and fell in love with some serbian girl
who sells bagels in the lobby of the hospital.
He fixed her teeth, dumped me,
and last night, they got married.
I don't think they thought I would ever go,
so they invited me to be polite.
But, oh, I did go.
And after four vodka sodas,
I realized I had something to say.
Some of you might not know
that Tom and I used to date.
So I have some pretty good stories
about everyone's favorite glorified dentist.
Like how Tom will always cover his ears and go, "ahh,"
if you start talking about an episode of TV
that he has not seen yet.
God forbid
you give away the ending to Downton abbey.
What the hell is this show, and why does everybody keep talking about it?
Shh.
Why can't I talk?
Or the time that Tom told me,
um, when we were having sex that he wanted to marry me
and make me pregnant with six babies.
Did you guys know about that?
Which I really wanted too.
Hey...
but that didn't end up happening
'cause I think I was too old.
No, I mean, I know that I was too old.
That's what you said to me.
Not what I said.
When you broke up with me.
Sorry, you said you wanted to build a future
with someone with more years to share.
That is what I said.
Doesn't matter, because here you are, getting married
to the serbian bagel girl.
By the way, are we 100% sure
that she is not a war criminal?
Don't look at me like that.
Am I the only person here
who saw Angelina Jolie's movie?
She's not a war criminal.
Whatever, you guys. I'm so happy for you.
I only want the best for the two of you.
- One of you. - Let's wrap it up.
L'Chaim!
Everyone, great talking to you.
Huh!
Great, awesome. Thank you.
Brilliant.
I'm not listening to any more speeches.
I'm Sandy Bullock!
Racist!
Ooh, a shortcut.
Aah!
Mindy. Mindy, down here.
I've been waiting for you.
Can I tell you something, girl to girl?
You are acting like a idiot.
If you don't pull it together,
no one will ever love you.
At least I have a boyfriend.
And when that hot, mean doll
pointed out that even she had a boyfriend,
I just started to cry.
This is not where I should be.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
It's important for you to know
that this is not really who I am.
Or who I have been is not who I'm going to be.
We have you down for three counts of public intoxication,
theft, and disorderly conduct.
I'm sorry, disorderly conduct?
Aren't there rapists and murderers out there?
When you are disorderly,
you are a rapist of peace and quiet.
That's a little... okay.
She's been bailed out.
Gwen, my hero.
It has been great
working with you
and seeing this process from the inside.
Before I leave,
would it be possible to get a tour
of the special victims unit?
No? Okay, bye.
Did you think that Tom
was just gonna ditch the wedding
and run off with you like you're Katherine heigl?
Kind of, yes.
Well, your life is not a romantic comedy.
Right now it seems more like a sad documentary
about a criminally insane spinster.
It kinda sounds like I could win an Oscar though.
I think I should cancel that date tonight with Dennis.
Gwen, no.
Listen, I'm just being real with you.
Carl and I know, like, three datable guys
that we can set friends up with,
and I can't squander them
on a high-risk situation like this.
Okay, I promise you, Gwen,
this drunk, crime-committing person, she's history.
There's no reason for me to live my life like this.
I went to a good college, I am a doctor.
This is boring.
My body mass index is not great,
but I'm not, like, precious or anything, you know?
This is boring.
You know what, you are boring. Contribute something.
Don't call my daughter boring.
Honey, you're fascinating.
Hmm.
Listen, Gwen,
I cannot keep hooking up with Jeremy
and then later asking him,
"Hey, what's our deal anyway?"
That British guy, he is bad news.
We do not know that he is bad news.
I think he has a good heart.
I think he's Hugh Grant in about a boy.
I think that he is Hugh Grant in real life.
Mindy?
I hate to interrupt
because I see you're enjoying
some well-deserved BFF time.
Hello, Gwendolyn.
Hi.
Your patient, Allison Silverman,
is going into labor.
The one with insurance?
Oh, hell yes, okay.
Bye, guys. Gotta go.
- Love you. - Bye, love you.
Hey!
It's fine. I'm a doctor!
Medical emergency!
Congratulations.
There you go.
I'm on call.
So you delivered my patient?
You're welcome.
May I say you look great?
Sorry, Danny, I didn't have time to get dolled up for you
because I was kind of busy freeing myself
- from wrongful imprisonment. - Wrongful?
My God, you think they'll ever catch the real drunk girl
- who fell into the pool? - That's hilarious.
But I guess it's not hilarious
when you get arrested for assault
at a Bruce Springsteen concert.
First of all, it's a Springsteen show,
not a Bruce Springsteen concert.
You sound ignorant.
Second of all, you don't show up at a Springsteen show
wearing a John cougar mellencamp t-shirt
unless you want to get punched in the face.
How did I get
into this Springsteen-mellencamp conversation again?
Oh, and Mrs. Silverman asked if I'd be her doctor from now on,
and I said yes.
Are you kidding me?
So now you're stealing my patient?
It's not stealing if she wanted to go.
Leave her alone, Danny. She's had a rough night.
And whose fault is that?
Everyone loses it at weddings.
They're designed to exploit our sentimental side.
Thank you. I agree with that.
I can't recall a wedding where I didn't end up
in the arms of some woman I met that night.
And not because she was vulnerable.
'Cause I was.
You know, I used to think that sex addiction
was made up by male celebrities,
but now I think it's real.
That's not cool.
Yes, yeah, I love sex. I do it a lot.
I do it well.
But I'm not addicted to it.
I'm addicted to attention.
That is so interesting.
Listen, I'm all for lonely people making connections,
but this is the doctors' lounge,
not the wooded area
behind the highway rest stop, all right?
I mean, really,
guys, I hate that I can't read
the newspaper in here anymore.
Yeah, we get it, Danny.
You read the newspaper.
You're so much smarter than us.
We get it, Danny.
You're so much smarter than us.
I am though.
I'm smarter than you.
You look so trashy right now.
I know.
- I'm sorry. - No, I love it.
- Do you wanna hang out? - We are hanging out.
Let's hang out deep.
Oh, God.
- Sorry, thank you for the offer. - What?
- I want to. - You should.
- And I can't. - Okay.
You're gorgeous. Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
This sucks. I hate my life.
- Take that trashiness with you. - Okay, thanks.
Okay, good-bye.
Note to self,
try to change your life today.
I'm gonna take the stairs instead of taking the elevator,
or escalator maybe.
Baby steps.
There's a patient waiting in your office.
That's great news. Thank you, Betsy.
Nasreen, you are nine months pregnant,
and you don't have health insurance.
I'm sorry, I just...
I can't take you on as a patient.
But my aunt and uncle said you were the person to go to.
I was.
And I really, really want to help you.
It's just that I'm at this point in my life
where I can't just do what I want to do.
You know, I have to do things
that really move my life forward.
Like, like spinning.
Do you guys know what that is?
We won't tell anybody.
Still, people could find out.
How?
Um, let's see, I talk a lot.
You know, like in my sleep, on a date.
I drink a lot.
So I just, I can't control it.
Okay, okay, okay, look, look.
I will take you on as a patient,
but you just need to look me in the eye
and promise me that you will have health insurance
by the time she delivers.
But I can't promise it. I don't know if it's true.
It doesn't have to be true. I just need to hear it.
I do this with guys all the time.
I promise we will have insurance.
Great, thank you. Welcome.
Hey, you two, quick question.
Do you care about my career and want me to succeed?
More than anything in the world.
Okay, well, if that is the case,
why are you sending me non-English-speaking
pregnant immigrants with no health insurance,
with literally, like, burkas and stuff?
I thought she might be rich with oil money.
Well, she wasn't. She was poor with nothing money.
Well, why wouldn't you just tell her no?
Because I am not good at saying no.
Okay, one time I left a flea market
with a samurai sword.
I just... I need a different kind of patient.
More white patients, done.
Well, don't write that.
But yes.
So do you guys want to see an amazing first-date outfit?
- Yes. - For sure.
Oh, my gosh!
- I mean, I don't know. - Wow.
Gotta give it up, you look hot.
Thank you for giving it up, shauna.
Okay. Boy.
I can hear you. What?
That's not a good date outfit.
What are you talking about?
It's glamorous, and it's awesome.
Girls may like that stuff, but guys don't.
Um, I think I know what guys like.
Maybe, is your date with Elton John
on New Year's Eve?
That's not funny.
That is insensitive to gay men and to me.
Morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Dr. Shulman, do you like my outfit?
It's glitzy.
Got razzle-dazzle,
like a fishing lure.
But do you like it?
Danny, you know, I like it because she likes it so much.
Mindy, what's the occasion?
- First date. - First date?
Exciting.
Remember, you're worth waiting for.
He hates it.
He didn't say that.
Anyway, that's just my two cents,
but what do I know?
I'm just a wealthy, single, heterosexual male.
Well, what do you think she should wear, Dr. Castellano?
She didn't grow up in this country.
Actually, I did grow up in this country.
- Betsy, thank you. - Oh.
But answer the question.
Easy, tight dress,
shoes that won't make you complain about walking two blocks.
Not a lot of makeup.
Look hot. Keep it simple.
- Okay, thank you. - Sure.
I'm just gonna take fashion advice from...
Danny Castellano.
You're welcome.
'Cause Danny Castellano, he really gets women, you know?
- I do, don't I? - Just ask his wife.
Oh, I'm sorry, his, um, ex-wife.
You know what would really look great?
Yeah? What?
If you lost 15 pounds.
What?
Do you wanna get smacked?
No, I don't wanna get smacked, Dr. Lahiri,
not in my place of work.
I want to peacefully go about my day.
Do not listen to him.
You are beautiful.
Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
If you need me, I'll be in my office.
Okay, okay, okay.
That's enough, that's enough.
We're at work for God's sake.
- Come on. - This is really unprofessional.
Oh, great, we broke this model of the human pelvis.
What's wrong with us?
I'm 31 right now.
I can't do this kinda thing anymore.
I need to give myself a chance.
And if that doesn't work out,
we could maybe resume this in my 40s, 50s, and 60s.
Yeah, I'm not gonna want to have sex with you
in your 40s, 50s, or 60s.
That's really rude.
And just so you know, when I'm that age,
I'm gonna be super hot and have a bunch
- of really cute kids running around. - Right.
Meanwhile, you are gonna be some weirdo alcoholic
trying to write a novel in Cuba.
Poems, but...
Doesn't matter.
You know what, I'm gonna take this,
because I don't think you deserve to have it.
- And some pens. - Oh.
Got more pens.
- You look nice. - Go to hell.
Dear lord, please let this date be good.
May he have the wealth of Mayor Bloomberg,
the personality of Jon Stewart,
the face of Michael Fassbender.
The penis of Michael Fassbender.
And may...
Okay, okay. I'm going, I'm going.
Hi.
- I'm Dennis. - I'm Mindy.
I just came from a delivery, so threw this on, raced over.
Well, you look very pretty for having just raced over.
I just wish that I had more time, you know,
to get ready for this date.
I mean, if it is a date. I don't care.
We could just be here as bros, who cares?
Not me. What should I get to eat?
No, it's a date.
Oh.
Let's see, what should I order?
I'm basically a vegetarian for moral reasons.
I mean, I eat eggs and fish and hamburgers.
Never steak.
Well, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
Wall Street, huh?
So you must have access to a lot of drugs.
Actually, I don't have any access to drugs on Wall Street.
Do you?
No, no, no, I hate drugs.
You know, I didn't know that pot and marijuana were the same thing until college.
Really?
Okay, so we were talking
about how you grew up very handsome
and how difficult that was for you.
Can I just admit something here?
Mm-hmm.
Carl warned me that you can be a little bit,
not crazy,
but dramatic.
Carl said that?
I will kill...
To, uh, know why he would say something like that.
That Carl.
I just think it's really funny
because I find you so charming and down-to-earth.
Thank you. Yeah, I hate drama.
My idea of the perfect night is...
- Staying at home. - Staying at home.
Yes!
Eating, um, salad.
- Hello, caprese. - Yeah, yeah.
Uh, Miss?
There's a boy on the phone named Max.
He says it's an emergency.
I, uh, respectfully decline.
He says he's called you several times.
It's the son of a patient.
You know what, take it. By all means, it's not...
No, no, no.
There's a lot of doctors who can cover me,
so he's just so attached to me.
Kids love me.
What do you want me to do?
I don't care, babe.
Just throw it away, hang it up, whatever you wanna do.
It's your phone.
I don't know what to tell you.
You know what, just give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Max.
I am on a date right now.
Do you know how difficult it is
for a chubby 31-year-old woman to go on a legit date
with a guy who majored in economics at Duke?
Mm, I never told you those things.
I looked it up online, okay? Relax.
Please don't pull at my heartstrings.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll be there. Okay, damn it.
Dennis, I've had a great time,
but I have to go.
Oh.
Yeah, I should be finished at, like, 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
You could just come over.
All right.
Oh, no.
- No, no, not like that. - No, I'm sorry.
- No, I used to be like that. - Really?
But not anymore. Not with you.
'Cause I'm not...
No, you're great. I would love...
Okay.
- At least not first date. - Sure.
Third date, whole other story.
Really?
No, no, no, no.
Because you, I like you,
and I wouldn't want to ruin it with sex.
Okay, it's kind of a...
Roller coaster ride.
Taxi!
Who would actually do that?
Billy, don't run.
It's New Year's.
Go out and get laid, man.
Danny, honestly, what is your problem?
What's my problem? What's his problem?
I'd be pissed off if I was Meg Ryan
and some guy interrupted my New Year's Eve like that.
I'd be like, "Hey, man, I'm just trying to party with my friends
"and kiss some strangers at midnight.
Like, leave me alone. What are you doing here?"
Never speak for Meg Ryan again.
I won't.
I'm assuming your date is cancelled.
Maybe I won't get married, you know?
Maybe I'll do one of those
eat, pray, love things.
Ugh, no, I don't wanna pray. Forget it.
I'll just die alone.
So who's the guy?
He was perfect, Danny.
He was handsome, he had a job,
he was exactly 7 inches taller than me,
which you know is very important to me.
Was he a man?
What do you mean? Yeah, of course he was a man.
No, I mean, like, was he a man?
Danny, don't just repeat it
and expect me to understand what you're saying.
Was this the kinda guy who, if he heard glass breaking
in the middle of the night, is he gonna jump out of bed,
say, "stay here," and look through the house naked
with a baseball bat,
or is he gonna hide under the covers with you?
I don't know, that's a good question.
Is this the kinda guy who is gonna get grossed out
when you give birth,
or is he gonna dry your forehead
and tell you you look beautiful
while all that disgusting stuff is coming out of you?
I couldn't glean that from this one date we had.
Is this the kinda guy that's not afraid
to get into a fistfight at a Springsteen show
- because someone really disrespects him? - Okay, okay.
- And he'll just put it out... - Okay, okay.
And he'll take 'em down right there, right now?
You're just talking about yourself.
- I'm not talking about myself. - Okay.
Maybe there's some overlap.
Yeah.
You know, you actually didn't do
a terrible job with that breech.
I knew it, you stalker.
I knew it, you were trying to steal my delivery.
Well, sure, I never know when you're gonna get wasted
and spend a night in jail.
I gotta pounce on those opportunities,
with the economy and all.
Danny, that was kinda funny.
What, with the economy line?
- Yeah. - Yes.
You know, this morning I woke up in jail
'cause I was broken up over a guy
- who fixes teeth for a living. - That's crazy.
Now I'm watching one of my favorite movies.
I just delivered a baby into this world.
- I have a new patient. - That's great.
This is working.
This is progress.
This is finally turning... what are you doing?
Now we're talking.
I am sharing my feelings with you.
I want to share this show with you.
It's a great show.
I've seen this episode before.
There are different episodes of this?
Okay, Gwen, let me defend myself.
Because even though I messed up the date with Dennis,
I think that he was almost too perfect.
Like maybe he was a serial murderer or something.
If he's a serial murderer, then Carl's a serial murderer.
Who's that?
Uh, delivery. I ordered some clear soup.
Clear soup? That's not a thing.
It is a thing. It is a thing.
Tell your clear soup hello for me.
Okay, I will.
Hi.
Hey, Gwen, um,
I really am changing though.
I just feel very motivated,
and tomorrow is going to be different.
And you know what, if not tomorrow,
then the next day, I swear.
- Okay. - Okay.
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